people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Randomize
