so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
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i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
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I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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