sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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