if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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