I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
