I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
