I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
