What a fucking waste of an outfit
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
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Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
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We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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