So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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