I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
