He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
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Your cock deserves a montage
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
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I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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