the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
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