I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
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I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
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it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud