I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just pynch a tree in the face
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
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Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
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Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage