I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
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I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
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He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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