His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
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He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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