I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
