I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
