I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??