Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY