Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
This is my gift to your gina
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.