I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
