Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Boobs are out for the taking
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.