News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
