Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I think my fart just growled at me.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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