Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
