some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
