I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
