omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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