RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
