If i come over, it means nothing
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon