I murdered the dance floor call the cops
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.