No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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