I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
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