Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
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I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
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Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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