no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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