So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
