A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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