We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
