I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
