Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay