We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.