I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.