I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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