"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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