I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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