grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
