I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
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We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
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When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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