I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
