It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
