if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
