You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
