I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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