She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
