My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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