i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
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I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
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I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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